Forced commitment, taking blame & compromise- 3 signs of toxic relationship; reveals life coach Neelam Naseeb

Neelam Naseeb, spiritual therapist and life coach talks about how our parental conditioning needs to change so that we step into relationships free and happy. As we grow up, we are made to understand that adjustments are essential in relationships, be it romantic or non-romantic, with the fact that “Relationships are based on compromise”.  We keep changing and molding ourselves to be the ‘perfect fit’ in someone’s life, like the perfect son, perfect husband, perfect father and the list goes on. Here comes the question if we are adjusting in relationships then how are we moving towards happiness? Compromise is a big escape for confrontation and that is what leads you toward disastrous consequences in relationships. In a healthy relationship, we make a happy space for one another and that's when you know it's not a compromise. 

Let's look at some of the key things that are important to check before its too late 

Choice of Commitment 

Do not misunderstand the word here. Commitment is definitely necessary for every relationship, but the fact that who are we committing to matters. Not just a relationship once shared with a romantic partner, it can even be the relationship you have with your mother. 

Entertaining a toxic person can cause a lot of harm to you. In fact relationships with such people will drain you all the more. You keep giving to the person, especially if he/she is a narcissist, and you only get demeaned or disrespected. This is unintentional harm that you are constantly causing yourself just to have the relationship stand tall.

Let's think of a conventional relationship with a friend. This friend is a childhood friend, he can be dominating you and asking you to adjust according to certain situations, and since you both are friends for a very long time and only keeping that in mind, you keep going. You tell yourself, ‘it’s fine we are friends since childhood, he can tell me what to do'. But this is not only giving him power over your life, but it is also unintentionally shaping you and your mental health. 

When you see a situation similar to this, you have to now understand and make healthy boundaries for each other. 

Taking the blame on yourself 

Here comes toxic positivity again. A situation like this usually takes place in a relationship where one individual is an energy vampire and you find yourself constantly giving. You will often find yourself saying these lines in such a relationship - “Maybe I am asking for a lot, I don’t deserve this”, “I think I overreacted, I don’t have said so much”, “It won't happen again, I think I pushed him/her”. If the statements above mentioned are recurrent in your relationship then it's high time you introspect if this relationship is for your good or not.  We land up in a place like this only if we lack self-value and self-awareness. Looking at a glass as half full is good. It shows your positive perspective toward life. But the half-empty part does exist, you not looking at it will not change the fact. You can make amends for yourself, but when the problem is not you then how is this going to help? That is when you know you are dealing with toxicity from the outside and it can be moved away, by moving away from the person. 

Compromise

As usual and normal as it seems, compromising in relationships can shape your world. Compromising at the stake of your happiness can cost you your mental health. Being mindful and having a good understanding of what you feel is right and wrong, can help you go a long way. A survey says that the reason for the majority of extramarital affairs is being in a state of compromise in the existing marriage. You suppress yourself and compromising will come back to you in a cycle once again. People usually living in a compromised state will find themselves thinking this statement- “I feel anxious, I don't know why?” The reason why you don't know is because you have tutored yourself to believe that you have to stay where you are because that is the best you can get, and for that you have to compromise. Always remember that the best thing that you have in your life will never make you feel that you are compromising. In fact, it should make you feel that this is easy and comfortable. Every time, you feel uncomfortable, introspect where it’s coming from and make sure you get back to a place where you are comfortable and happy. 

Building relationships right can only make the relationship longer, and healthier. Setting boundaries is not only going to help you but even your partner to reach a place of understanding. At the end of the day, what matters is both the relationship and you, in a healthy space. You should always remind yourself that you are only creating a ground to maintain personal values, for the personal growth of both the people involved.